As of the third week of Feb ’26, she’s gone. Her body had strength, but her mind didn’t remember how that eating & drinking thing works. That’s the way of Alzheimer’s (Alz), and other dementias. Alz is like having a monkey in the file room – no telling which files he’ll pull, where he’ll throw ’em, or when he’ll pick a different drawer to play in.
I was first introduced to Alz when it was new for everyone. In 1985, my maternal grandma was diagnosed and I was available for an info luncheon. There I met a lovely couple who became friends. She offered me butter six times, and six times he apologized (though he didn’t need to). He hired me for some admin work, so I saw the effects & advance weekly for a few years.
One huge thing I quickly learned is that a sole caregiver will lose their own mental/cognitive abilities. This is the reason I chose to return to Ohio in 2024, to give dad the respite he would need (but not ask for). It’s been another learning experience.
The funeral’s over and the rebalancing of life has begun at differing rates. Dad’s bracing for later this month when he’ll mark their 60th anniversary as his first without her. My odd calm can be attributed to several things, a few that might apply to your experience. Here they are:
1) God’s gracious promises. He gives peace that passes understanding. He walks with those who trust Him, communicating in intimate ways unique to each relationship. He said that those who believe in & honor Him will live with Him forever. If you know, you know.
2) I know her perspective. We had many conversations since 1985, including the fact that grandma was bedridden for her last decade. Mom didn’t want such a life, and by what I call “harsh grace,” hers was a very short season.
3) Strange practice – I’ve lost her before…
In my youth, I had a very unsettling nightmare. Her demise was scheduled and I began listing her importance. Mom got an extra long hug when I returned home.
Years later, both parents and an aunt disappeared for four days. My friend and I kept a landline and two cell phones hot. Then dad called. They were fine (and I was fit to be tied!)
4) Sometimes it’s easier to say goodbye. Don’t get me wrong, it’s never easy, but watching the distress & discomfort of a loved one leads you to the place of letting go, for their sakes. This was less traumatic than the virtual losses, by far!
5) Supportive friends & family. Some see the trial coming and either choose to go it alone or aren’t blessed with the quantity & quality of people I have. I heartily suggest that you invest in building relationships and networks, then don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Now we find the new normal. For 2+ years, life has revolved around the needs and desires of someone trying desperately to hold onto her skills as a homemaker and secretary par excellence while losing the capacity to do so.
- We reclaim the house from that pesky little file monkey, knowing we’ll find lost things in strange places.
- We share calendars, yet release the need to carefully coordinate someone being home at all times.
- We rebuild relationships, networks, and projects that have been on hold while we focused on a higher priority.
- We enjoy music and beauty while we have the capacity to do so. Any less doesn’t honor the lady she was or the God who gave her to us for roughly 60 years.
- We comfort others as it says in 2 Cor 1:3-4. Already we’ve had the opportunity to do that several times, losing 6 in the family this year alone (and it’s only March!)
She’s gone from us, but not truly lost. By God’s grace, we know exactly where she is. In His presence, she’s no longer confused, cold, or far from breathtaking scenery. We’ll take it.